


pretty boys with the bow ties

by oh_la_fraise



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-15 21:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21025319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_la_fraise/pseuds/oh_la_fraise
Summary: She probably spent too much time at the store and not the actual business that she owned that Stevie knew the inner workings of David and Patrick’s not relationship, but it wasn’t like David wouldn’t tell her anyway, and it was more fun to watch it limp along in person like she was in an incredibly awkward safari.





	pretty boys with the bow ties

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [SCFrozenOver](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SCFrozenOver) collection. 

> Written for this prompt! Title is from Boys by Lizzo. The button down gay joke was shamelessly stolen from [bayaningbituon.](https://bayaningbituon.tumblr.com/post/188069341577/ohlafraise-bradleyswhitford-wow-she-is-really)
> 
> **Prompt:**
> 
> Mistletoe made them do it! They've been "friends" for months while both wanting to be more, and Stevie is sick of it, so she gets mistletoe put up BASICALLY EVERYWHERE and keeps trying to shove them together under it. Bonus points if the whole town gets in on the game.

**Stevie.**

Ray harrumphed and banged his gavel. It said _I’m a Ray of Sunshine_ on the block. Ted had given it to him in the Schitt’s Creek Small Business Association’s secret Santa gift swap, and Ray now carried it everywhere, banging it every time he made a sale or ordered at the cafe. “I now call to order the meeting of the Schitt’s Creek Matchmaking Club, formally known as the ‘I can’t take these fucking idiots mooning at each other anymore’ meeting. Stevie, as the founder, you have the floor first.”

She cleared her throat. The “floor” was more of a music stand with Ray and Twyla and the town council sans Moira staring at her, but it felt official nonetheless. “Fellow associates, unfortunately the ‘locked in the Cafe storage room’ plan failed. It’s time to ramp things up a notch.” 

~

It was getting painful.

David, she knew, loved romantic comedies, but she didn’t think he was intentionally trying to live in one. Rather, he seemed genuinely convinced that Patrick wasn’t into him, despite the fact that Patrick melted into a puddle of goo every time David started talking about the store’s chi. Once, David’s shirt had ridden up as he was placing a shawl on the top shelf that Patrick couldn’t reach, and Stevie had thought Patrick’s tongue was going to fall out of his mouth cartoon-style.

She probably spent too much time at the store and not the actual business that she owned that Stevie knew the inner workings of David and Patrick’s not relationship, but it wasn’t like David wouldn’t tell her anyway, and it was more fun to watch it limp along in person like she was in an incredibly awkward safari. 

But it had been months, and nothing had happened. Alexis had gotten back with Ted; Stevie had been sleeping with Twyla for so long that she didn’t think it could still be called casual; and Patrick and David were still swooning every time they crossed pinkies. Even Ray had cottoned on to the fact that they _really _should have been dating by now, and the whole town had come together in true Christmas spirit to help them get together.

Well, that, and no one but Albert the cable guy had bet on them getting together after New Years, and Albert was already insufferable without the whole town owing him money. 

Roland raised his hand. 

“Roland,” Stevie took a deep breath, “for what I hope is the last time, we’re not hiring a stripper for Patrick’s half birthday to make David jealous.”

**Ted.**

The pining was getting a bit ridiculous.

Hah, pining. Like pine trees. Which were big in winter. Which it was.

But still. It seemed like everyone else had paired off, and Patrick and David were still staring at each other from afar. Ted was so happy with Alexis, and he had David to thank for that, so he just wanted David to be happy. That’s all he’d wanted when he’d invited them to the clinic to look at some gourmet pet treats under a convenient sprig of mistletoe.

He felt really bad about Patrick’s allergies, but thankfully David had known where his epipen was, so there wasn’t too much damage done. Patrick had even swooned into David’s arms, although that was probably more from anaphylactic shock.

**Jebediah.**

“Can you hang this mistletoe on your barn door?” _I’m-Alexis-David’s-spiritual-advisor_, who had come with David and Patrick to pick up the buckeyes for some reason, said. “It’s for the course of true love.”

**Twyla.**

Twyla wasn’t as convinced as everyone else that Patrick and David were in love. After all, they went to the bathroom at the Cafe together that one time, and Twyla only did that with her friends at bars. They were gone for awhile, but she figured David had been redoing his hair, because it had looked really messy when they’d come back out. 

**Alexis. **

Of course she, like, cared about David’s happiness, but also if David and Patrick fell in love and David was getting laid on the regular, he’d be 78% less grumpy and hopefully start helping Alexis curl her hair again. It was really hard to get the back right without a 360 mirror.

**Johnny.**

“Oh, is that more of that poison oak?” he asked, pulling out his handkerchief and using it to pull down the greenery hanging above the motel entrance. “I appreciate the effort at some holiday cheer, Stevie, but after last time I don’t think we should be picking flowers from the yard any more.”

**Roland.**

“I said I’d only pay full price if they got together,” Roland said as he slid a bill into Jackson’s hand. “What kind of stripper persona even is a surveyor?”

**Ronnie.**

Sometimes it felt like a little like she was in an old Western, challenging Patrick to a duel: _meet me at the Cafe at Sundown. There’s only room for one blue button-down wearing queer in Schitt’s Creek. _

But also if David and Patrick fell in love and Patrick was getting laid on the regular, he’d probably be 78% less grumpy and hopefully start giving Ronnie the local business discount again.

**Ray.**

Taking photos of David and Patrick for the Rose Apothecary website seemed like an opportunity to help true love, and also get a chance to promote Butani Photography. He had a little trouble getting them to go along with the poses he usually put couples in, but he thought the one of David carrying Patrick over the store threshold was perfect for the site, even if David dropped Patrick almost immediately after.

**Gwen.**

It turned out Patrick didn’t actually _know _CPR. Had he, she maintained, her “put a lego in David’s cinnamon roll” plan would have totally worked. It turns out Ted did know CPR, however, so if she were David she wouldn’t count it as a total loss.

**Stevie (again).**

“What if we threw a big winter carnival? And then they could ride the ferris wheel under the moonlight—” Jocelyn was suggesting as Stevie wondered out and down the street. She needed a little fresh air, and she figured David and Patrick were still closing. Even if they were the source of her current frustration, they were still her friends and could cheer her up.

The closed sign was in the door, but it was unlocked, so she wandered to the back. Then everything happened in a flash: there was a scream, and God, Patrick really was that pale all the way down, and had David always had that mole there? She didn’t remember it the last time they fuc—

“Stevie, get out, oh my God,” David hissed, covering his junk with what appeared to be Patrick’s shoe.

She waited outside, opening a bottle of wine and taking a swig—Jesus, the stress these two fuckers caused her—before they came out. Patrick’s shirt was buttoned incorrectly, and David was in a t-shirt, sweater nowhere to be seen.

“What are you doing here?” David asked. Patrick was the color of a tomato, and seemed temporarily unable to speak.

“Well, I was hoping to see my friends, who I thought were _also _friends. Also, you should get that mole on your back checked out. It seems like it’s grown.”

David scowled. “We’ve been dating for weeks. I just had a bet on whether the mistletoe nonsense would continue after Christmas.”

She stared, trying to think where they’d slipped up. Well, Bob and Roland were involved, so probably at the beginning. “Who possibly bet on that with you?”

Patrick cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Wow, you two are the worst human beings I’ve ever met.” She knocked back more of the wine. “Also, I’ve got that you won’t get together until Christmas Eve. Keep it under wraps and I’ll split the pot with you.”


End file.
